So when you're nearing the end of a school year or going on a fabulous scuba diving vacation, you count down the days until you leave. You look forward to it by months, weeks, and eventually by days. You eagerly cross off the days on the calendar until you get that first day to sleep in or swim among the fish on a coral reef 60 feet down.
In some ways I so wish that were the case right now in my life. It would be so much easier and less painful. I'm not counting the days anymore since my sister died, but I'm still counting the weeks and months. It's not that I'm trying to keep track but I'm just so aware of how much time has passed since I was last able to talk to her. Will that ever go away?
In a way I want to stop counting. I want Thurdsay to not remind me of the terrible tragedy that occurred. I want to go through a week and not think, "I just need to get through Thursday". Just when I think that I might be able to make it through a week without thinking of the dreaded Thursday, something reminds me of her. It could be going to Tulip Time or seeing Carter running around on the playground. Something that simple brings it all back to the surface.
I know that I'm healing and that I am just beginning to move forward. A friend wrote me a note the other day and said, "Grief can be a nasty companion - Two steps forward one day, five steps back the next". This is how I'm living right now. The grief, pain, and anger sweeps over me at the most random times. I will have multiple days now that seem to be completely "normal" (which is a blessing in itself), and all of the sudden I'm blubbering over a Facebook post that I thought about writing - "Could life be better!" Needless to say, I did not post that status. It just didn't feel right.
I know that it has only been 9 weeks or 2 months depending on how you look at it. I don't expect the pain to have gone away. The pain has dulled a bit, but it still seems so unfair. Unfair that my sister will not get to experience so much life here. Unfair that Carter will not get to hug his mom or look up in the bleachers at his t-ball game and see her snapping pictures.
I still have the question - Will it ever truly feel real? I'm not sure I want it to feel real, but I know it will someday. I know I will need to let go of counting. I know I will one day like Thursday again.
I have hope knowing that it will get better. I have faith that God will work in mysterious ways. I have peace knowing that this storm will move on.
So for now, I keep counting because it makes it real for me. It keeps my sister in the front of my mind. It keeps me moving forward.
