This summer I will...

Summer is here and it is the season I look forward to the most.  I'm not sure if it's the hot sunny weather; the laid back summer days; wearing tank tops and shorts for my "work" day; the many visits to the cottage; the extra time with my kiddos; or the freedom to go out during the day.  I think it's a little bit of everything.  Even though I L-O-V-E... LOVE summer, it is bittersweet this year as so many things are. 

This summer is definitely different.  Then again, life in general is very different.  The first day of spring was perfect by most Michiganders standards - hot, sunny, and gorgeous.  Today was another great day to kick off summer.  So much has happened between these two days.  It is still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my sister was not here to enjoy an entire season.

To start the summer, we have kept the big kids quite busy.  A dance recital, science camp, swimming lessons, Vacation Bible School, and Tee-ball games haven't left much room for dull moments.  I guess keeping them busy keeps me from thinking too much, which isn't all bad. 

This summer I look at things differently.  I am always thinking about how Jamie would see things.  What she would do or want to be a part of.  She would have loved sitting in the bleachers at the Holland Aquatic Center watching Carter and Emma swim across the pool with huge smiles on their faces.  She would have been Carter's biggest fan at his tee-ball game.  She would have been there to tote them around from place to place or stop in on her lunch break.  Jamie would have been planning a trip to the zoo or to the beach with the kids.  She would have said, "We can do it," followed by a laugh and an eye roll pointing out how nuts we would be. 

Even though this summer feels bittersweet in so many ways, I am determined to love this season still as only my sister would want.  I will not let this tragedy define it.  I will take the kids for picnics and play dates.  I will take the kids to explore the zoo.  I will be one of the "cheerleaders" in the stands and be a taxi cab.  I will spend time with family and friends.  I will appreciate the ones I love.  I will keep going and I will continue to heal.  I will laugh and I will cry.  I will remember.


It is a new season and my mantra is "I will".

Keeping those I love close to my heart (a touching gift from a friend).

 

Still counting...

So when you're nearing the end of a school year or going on a fabulous scuba diving vacation, you count down the days until you leave. You look forward to it by months, weeks, and eventually by days. You eagerly cross off the days on the calendar until you get that first day to sleep in or swim among the fish on a coral reef 60 feet down.

In some ways I so wish that were the case right now in my life. It would be so much easier and less painful. I'm not counting the days anymore since my sister died, but I'm still counting the weeks and months. It's not that I'm trying to keep track but I'm just so aware of how much time has passed since I was last able to talk to her. Will that ever go away?

In a way I want to stop counting. I want Thurdsay to not remind me of the terrible tragedy that occurred. I want to go through a week and not think, "I just need to get through Thursday". Just when I think that I might be able to make it through a week without thinking of the dreaded Thursday, something reminds me of her. It could be going to Tulip Time or seeing Carter running around on the playground. Something that simple brings it all back to the surface.

I know that I'm healing and that I am just beginning to move forward. A friend wrote me a note the other day and said, "Grief can be a nasty companion - Two steps forward one day, five steps back the next". This is how I'm living right now. The grief, pain, and anger sweeps over me at the most random times. I will have multiple days now that seem to be completely "normal" (which is a blessing in itself), and all of the sudden I'm blubbering over a Facebook post that I thought about writing - "Could life be better!" Needless to say, I did not post that status. It just didn't feel right.

I know that it has only been 9 weeks or 2 months depending on how you look at it. I don't expect the pain to have gone away. The pain has dulled a bit, but it still seems so unfair. Unfair that my sister will not get to experience so much life here. Unfair that Carter will not get to hug his mom or look up in the bleachers at his t-ball game and see her snapping pictures.

I still have the question - Will it ever truly feel real? I'm not sure I want it to feel real, but I know it will someday. I know I will need to let go of counting. I know I will one day like Thursday again.

I have hope knowing that it will get better. I have faith that God will work in mysterious ways. I have peace knowing that this storm will move on.

So for now, I keep counting because it makes it real for me. It keeps my sister in the front of my mind. It keeps me moving forward.

Ready or Not!

Breakfast at Russ' before Kindergarten Screening

Kindergarten... this is the word in the Reilly Household lately.  How can it be that we are looking at this already?  Have 5 years really gone by?  Is Emma really ready to go to Kindergarten?

As a mom, you hope that your child has been learning.  You hope that what you have been teaching at home has made an impact in some way.  You hope that 5 years of reading bedtime stories, rhyming in the car, and playing counting games has paid off.

As a "teacher mom", you hope that using teacher language has done its job too.  You hope that you've taught good listening skills.  You hope that you've taught her to be accepting of all others.  You hope that you've taught her to be responsible.  You hope that you've taught her to follow directions and to be respectful.

As a mom, you hope that your child uses the manners that you've encouraged her to use.  You hope that your child will be a kind and generous person.  You hope that your child will be independent, enthusiastic, and motivated.  You hope that she will always do her best and believe in herself.

Ready or not?  I think about all these things and ask,"Is she ready for Kindergarten or not?"  It's a big question.  It's the beginning of a new journey.  It's the beginning of her growing up.

So is she ready? Without a shadow of a doubt, I know I can say yes.  Over the past 5 years, she has become such a wonderful little lady (or at least I think so).  I am so proud of her and who she is becoming.  I can only imagine where her life is going to take her, and I can't wait to watch her journey.

The Little Things

I always thought that I appreciated the little things in life, but I'm starting to realize that I haven't fully understood what the little things are.  With the death of my sister, I have started to look back at what I considered little things.  I used to think they were things like going to my parents for dinner and having a day off to help in Emma's Preschool classroom.  Don't get me wrong, these are little things but now they are so much more.

The little things are the things that I will miss out on with my sister.  They are texts that I will miss sending.  They are conversations that I will miss having.  They are trips to the Meijer Gardens, Critter Barn, and Aquatic Center.

The little things are reading a bedtime story, blowing kisses goodnight, and listening to your 5 year old say a prayer that makes you giggle.  They are showing up at your parents' house and seeing a familiar vehicle in the driveway.  They are wrapping an ugly red vinyl purse for Christmas, hiding it under the tree, and laughing hysterically when your she eagerly opens it to discover that it's the red purse that you've passed back and forth for years.

The little things are the cards that you find in a drawer that say, "Happy Birthday Sister" or "You're turning 1, Nephew".  They are taking the kids for pictures and sweating as we chase them around trying to get the "perfect" picture.  They are blowing out your birthday candles with all 3 three kids sitting on your lap, and they are sitting on the beach at the cottage watching the 4th of July fireworks explode above our heads.

These are just some of the little things that I know I am going to miss.  These are just some of the little things that I now treasure.  These are just some of the little things that I love.

 "Appreciate the little things"... hmmm... I think I'm only just beginning to discover just how many little things there are.

Forever Changed

March 22nd, 2012... this date should mean nothing more than just another day; just the 2nd day of spring; or just another record breaking March day.  To me, that date will forever mean something.  It will never be "just another day".  It will never be just March 22nd.


Emma was in Chicago with my mom.  She was eager to head downtown on the commuter train in the morning, ride in a taxi, and explore the American Girl store.  She had decided that she wanted a doll that looked like her and had on a purple outfit... "something kind of fancy" as Emma would say.  My mom had been planning this for weeks, and the day was going to be perfect.

Kaiden and I decided to play in the backyard before dinner while we were waiting for Sean to get home from work.  I had picked up a rotisserie chicken from the store along with some quick veggies, so I wouldn't be stuck in the kitchen with the gorgeous weather outside.  Kaiden had figured out how to go down the slides on his own and was hammin' it up like he usually does.  Sean soon came home from a long day at work and Kaiden started to yell "Dada! Dada!".  He had left early that day so we hadn't been able to see him yet.  The pure joy on Kaiden's face was so precious.  The laughs and smiles were abundant and the evening looked promising.

Dinner was delicious and just what we needed.  We had time to sit together, eat,  and discuss the happenings of the day.  It was a rather routine conversation:  How was your day; Anything big happen; How were your students; How did Kaiden do at daycare today; Have you talked with Emma?  It was just a normal evening.  It was just another regular day in March.  It was just March 22nd.

Sean's fire pager went off, which is pretty typical.  He grabbed his things and was off to assist someone in need.  I wiped the chicken and broccoli bits off Kaiden and headed upstairs to give him a bath.  His hair had a nice coat of chicken in it and it was obvious he had been playing outside.  It was "bath night".  It was just supposed to be "bath night".

Kaiden was splashing in the tub... my phone rang... my heart stopped... my world changed... my sister had been shot.

Words that I never imagined I would have heard.  Words that I never imagined I would have to say.  From that moment on I was forever changed. 

In a whirlwind of events, I somehow managed to get Sean home from his medical call and get to the hospital.  As I drove to the hospital the prayers and tears were flowing equally.  I had to have faith that everything was going to be okay.  I had to have faith that my sweet sweet sister would be fine.

As I rushed to the information desk, I had to say it.  I had to say, "My sister was shot".  The poor guy behind the desk had to try to translate what I was trying to formulate into words.  He then led me to a large set of double doors.  Double doors that normally mean you're going to get checked out for a big scrape, ear infection, or hurt wrist.  This time the double doors opened and I saw my dad standing there with tears streaming down his face.  This time I had to walk down the hall to face a horrible truth.  This time would change my life forever.

I drifted between the family room, the hall, and the room that was filled with doctors, nurses, and specialists.  Outside Jamie's room, family and friends gathered to support each other and hold each other up.  The doctors were determined to save her.  The doctors were determined to make things right.  They were determined to prove to us that all our praying was strong enough to keep her here with us.

After what seemed like forever and yet only a moment, we were told that they couldn't undo what was done.  They told us that they couldn't save my sister and that we could come in to be with her for her last moments.  As we stood there as a family one last time, the tears rolled down our cheeks.  As we prayed, we held her hands and let her go.

March 22nd, 2012... will never be just another day.  It will always be the day that my life changed forever.

Let the fun begin!

My little family is LOVING this amazing 80 degree weather!  We just can't seem to get enough of being outside.  It's funny what being "locked up" inside for months on end will do to you. 

Emma is into a wide variety of activities and seems to always be movin' and groovin'.  From riding her new bike she just got for her birthday to scooting around on her scooter, she is making the best of the weather.  She spins, twirls, and dances her way around the yard while singing her very own Emma composed songs.  I'm pretty sure American Idol is not in her future.  She also desperately wants to get the sprinkler out, so that might have to be an after school activity today.

Kaiden, oh Kaiden... he is into EVERYTHING!  If he isn't into it, then it is in his mouth... yuck!  As soon as he wakes up, he's "asking" to go outside and play.  He just doesn't quite get it that we have a schedule to keep in the morning and playing in the sandbox isn't really part of it.   Sliding and raking are two other things you will find him doing in our backyard. 

The bumps, bruises, scrapes, and scratches have already left their marks signifying the start of a fun spring & summer season.  Nightly baths have also been added to every evening which makes for a bit later bedtime once playing and dinner is done.

How long will this weather last?  I know I've been watching the weather reports and it looks like it's here to stay!  Well maybe not this hot and sunny, but at least not snow and ice.